Today is February 24th, 2025… I have spent the last few months reading the bible listening to authors and podcasts, and really trying to understand religion. It’s weird because I didn’t grow up in a religious household at all, even though both of my parents grew up devoutly religious for the most part. My Dad was a choir boy, my grandfather was a member of the Knights of Columbus, and my Grandmother bless her soul likely had an aneurysm that I was never baptized. It should be noted that I remain non-baptized to this day (at least at the tine of writing this intro). My mother was very religious as well growing up, which is odd being that my Native American heritage stems from her side if the family. This also led into some teachings from her that religion killed our people etc., which had at least a small affect on my outlook towards religion. I went to church a handful of times, mainly on big masses for holiday’s and went to a few in college, but in terms of religion, I may as well have been the definition of a heathen.

I think that it actively avoided religion and in a lot of ways made a mockery of it. The thought that constantly came was, we are likely currently in hell already. If I think back on my life up until the last 5ish years, I was a colossal piece of shit. I lied, I stole, I did drugs, I cheated, I was opportunistic, I wanted instant gratification, and honestly was just extremely selfish. The fact that I hurt people was not an issue in my mind. I would tell myself that I did, and find a way to trick myself into thinking that I was the victim. Putting all of that on paper honestly makes me realize that I was likely living in my own, self-manifestation of hell in my soul.

It’s funny because it took me so long to realize that I was the problem. It really came to a head when I met my now wife. For so long, I had dated the bad girl, and it always turned into this manipulative struggle for power… and I won most of the time. But all it did was make a toxic environment and ruin relationships with people that I wanted in my life forever. When my wife came along, there was a switch. She basically told me that if I didn’t get my shit together, she wasn’t going to waste her time. It was the first time in my life that I was in that situation. I reflected on myself and decided that I wanted to get better… I wanted to be better.

I think truly if I think about it, that was the start of this pull towards God, and wanting to understand what God meant to me. I am in no way shape or form the arbiter of information on religion. I am just taking my first steps toward faith and becoming a better person. I want to be a better man for my family, my future kids, and for myself. When I finally come upon the gates of heaven, I hope to have God smile upon me and not cast me into the eternal abyss.

So I have decided that I am answering the call, the whisper, the idea, the whatever you want to call it. I started by picking up the bible for the first time and just reading. If it was all just for the stories, that may have been enough as they are INCREDIBLE just in their words. It is still insane to me that stories so old can mirror what is going on right now in our world and stand the test of time. That led into podcasts, and other books that really sparked my interest. Whether it be fiction, like the Master and Margarita, to fact and analysis, like Jordan Peterson’s “We who Wrestle with God”, they’ve further intensified this call toward the lord. And honestly it has been a bit scary. I am at a point in my life now where I feel that I am a pretty good person. I work hard, I try to tell the truth, I support my family, I help when asked, yet when I pick up the bible and read the gospels, I can’t help but feeling that I am FAR from who I wish to be.

What is so crazy to me is that almost every time I read a chapter, or I listen to a prayer, or meditate and truly listen for God, I feel that I get an insight. I used to think that when people said that they heard God, they were full of it. But maybe that’s what they mean… maybe it isn’t a bearded man in the sky with the voice of Mufasa telling me what I need to do. Maybe God is that little voice in the back of my head telling me that this is what I need to do, and this is how to be a better person, and not listening to the one that is leading me toward my mortal destruction…the one that I had followed for so long.

So what now? Well, this idea to write a blog came to me as I was laying in bed last night. I couldn’t sleep and so I thanked God for my life and thanked him for all that he had given me. I also asked him to come to me in a dream and show me something that I needed to learn. To give me a hint as to where my path forward lay. And what came to me was this idea. I should dialogue my journey to him and up this narrow pathway to becoming the best version of myself. In all likelihood, nobody is going to read this. I really don’t care if anyone does. But in the event that just one person stumbles upon this and it helps them, then that is worth it. That will be one thing that I can give toward the greater good.

So as they say, without further adieu, here is my journey, I hope that you enjoy!